101 Ways to Kill a Scorpion
by Lady Lightoller
Summary: Scorpions can be tricky little buggers at the best of times. So when one is running about loose on Titanic, it's up to the poor officers to get rid of it by any means possible. Rated T for swearing. Please read and review :)


**So this was basically created out of sheer procrastination. I own nothing, everyone in this belongs to history.**

* * *

**101 Ways to Kill a Scorpion**

_**No. 25 -The Catapult**_

"I can't sleep."

Fifth Officer Harold Lowe groaned and rolled over in his bed. _Not this time, not tonight_, he thought. Squeezing his eyes shut, he wished for the voice to disappear along with the person it belonged to. Sadly for him, it was not meant to be.

Sixth Officer James Moody sighed and climbed into the bed with him. "This isn't funny, Harry."

"I'm not laughing!" Lowe insisted as he sit and up slid down to the bottom of his bed before clambering out. "You don't just climb into other men's beds!"

"Listen to me then!" Moody told him as he lounged on the bed.

Lowe buried his face in his hands, knowing full well that sleep wouldn't find him soon. "What?"

"I'm pretty sure that there is a scorpion in my room."

The Welshman looked at him in utter disbelief, "Excuse me …?"

"I think someone put a scorpion in my room! And now I'm too scared to sleep!" Moody wailed as he curled up in the covers. "I'll sleep here I think."

"Oh and where do I go?"

Moody pointed in the direction of his room, "Kill the scorpion!"

Watching helplessly as his colleague attempted to settle down for a sleep, Lowe rolled his eyes and begrudgingly walked out of his room to find Fourth Officer Joseph Boxhall standing outside. "Yes, Joe?"

"Who's in your bed?" He quizzed. "Is it Jim? Is he being rude? Should I be worried that he'll climb into my bed?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

"I require a lot of answers," Boxhall answered smartly. "Now, correct me if I'm wrong … Jim mentioned a scorpion?"

"Yes … Any clue as to how it got there?"

"Come with me," Boxhall urged, motioning for his colleague to follow him. He stepped into the wheelhouse where Second Officer Charles Lightoller was on watch and bellowed, "Robert Hichens I told you to get rid of that thing!"

Startled, the quartermaster gripped the ship's wheel and insisted, "I did!"

"Hiding it in Mister Moody's room does not count!" Boxhall told him sternly.

Lightoller looked over to the officers and asked, "What did he hide?"

Lowe sighed heavily and answered, "A scorpion …"

"That was him?!" Lightoller gasped, resisting the urge to punch Hichens. "Well get rid of it then!" He demanded as he looked at the two officers. "I've already been stung by the little fucker once!"

Lowe groaned as Boxhall steered him back down the corridor towards Moody's room where the door had been left ajar. A feeling of dread overcame him as he muttered, "Oh, this isn't good …"

"You worked that out, have you?"

He frowned at Boxhall's sarcasm while he peered into the room. He had the sudden fear that the scorpion would leap at his face out of nowhere, so he used a hand to shield his face from any possible threat.

"Don't be a big girl's blouse," Boxhall scoffed as he shoved his fellow junior officer into the room. He followed him inside and asked aloud, "Where are you, you little bastard?"

"Get off! GET OFF!"

The two men looked at each other for a quick moment before running back into the corridor. Luckily for them, the scorpion had made an appearance … Clinging to the bottom of a towel that was wrapped around First Officer William Murdoch's waist. It gripped the towel for dear life as it swung around wildly, while the Scot tried to keep his modesty covered.

"You found it!" Lowe declared gleefully. "Now Jim can get out of my bed!"

Murdoch glared at the young officer as he desperately tried to shake the scorpion off, "No, now you can help me get rid of the bastard!"

"Harry get a pot or a box," Boxhall ordered almost immediately. "Quickly!"

He nodded and obediently ran down the corridor and back out into the wheelhouse. Looking around hurriedly he yelped, "I need a pot or a box to trap the scorpion!"

"Well there's nothing out here!" Lightoller remarked as he looked over at him. "Try the mess hall, unless you'd rather catch it with your hands. But be warned, the sting is unbelievable."

Desperate, Lowe grabbed the cap from his senior officer's head and ran back to the others.

"Harold Godfrey Lowe! Give me back my hat!"

"I've got something!" He announced triumphantly while running down the corridor.

"Right, come on then!" Boxhall shouted to him. With one swift movement he ripped the towel from Murdoch's body with such force that the scorpion dropped to the floor. "Now, Harry!"

He threw the cap on top of the scorpion, much like a Frisbee. It landed on the critter successfully. "Success!"

"Harry, where is my hat?!" Lightoller demanded as he arrived at the scene. His eyes widened when he saw Murdoch standing in the nude with his hands covering his modesty. He then noticed something black move on the floor out the corner of his eye and groaned, "You _didn't_!"

"Well, we need to get rid of it," Boxhall concluded as he watched it carefully. "I'm pretty sure that Herb was trying to build a catapult with the engineers."

Murdoch shrugged, "We can't toss it over the side of the ship?"

"Well, no … Because that's not spectacular."

Lightoller snatched Lowe's cap and announced, "I'm away back to my watch. You'll get this back once you've got rid of that thing and had my cap laundered by housekeeping."

"Yes sir," Lowe mumbled as he watched the man storm back up the corridor towards the bridge.

Boxhall watched the cap move doggedly on the floor as the scorpion scuttled around underneath it trying to escape. "Herb's on his rounds now that I think about it …"

"Check his room," Murdoch suggested as he shivered slightly.

"Aren't you cold? Why do you have to still be naked?"

"Who's going to see?"

"You mean apart from us?" Lowe deadpanned as he rolled his eyes. "What if the Captain sees you? Or even Mister Andrews?"

Murdoch eyed up the moving cap and muttered, "Hmm … Perhaps I had better get dressed before that wee thing crawls up my leg."

"Wise choice," Lowe agreed as he flung the door to his room open and announced, "We've captured the scorpion. Get out of my bed Jim!"

Moody grumbled before somewhat reluctantly climbing out of his bed and shuffling his feet across the floor. "Good I'm away to bed … Why is there a moving hat on the floor?"

"The scorpion's under there," Boxhall replied nonchalantly.

Moody paled and jumped over the hat before backing against the wall, "Why's it still here?!"

"We need Herb's catapult," Lowe said as he quickly shut the door to his room. "We're going to launch it over the side. Far way so it can't swim back and climb its way back up."

Boxhall raised an eyebrow, "Can scorpions swim?"

"They'd better not!" Moody exclaimed as he eyed up Lightoller's cap. "Go get the catapult!"

Lowe rolled his eyes and opened the door to Third Officer Herbert Pitman's room. "It's not in here."

"Well of course not, you can't fit a catapult in these rooms. I know where it will be," Boxhall told them as Murdoch reappeared, tucking his shirt into his trousers. "Gentlemen, follow me."

* * *

"It's a thing of beauty," Remarked William Moyes, a Senior Sixth Engineer as he showed the officers to the catapult which had been hidden away in the cargo hold.

"It looks like shite," Murdoch commented airily as he looked at the rickety creation.

Moyes scowled at him, "Well I'd like to see you try this Mister Murdoch."

Boxhall shook his head and sighed, "Can we just get this upstairs so we can launch that scorpion overboard?"

"A scorpion, really?" Moyes asked while looking extremely intrigued. "Where is it?"

There was a moment of silence as the officers looked at each other before the penny dropped and several curse words were blurted out. It occurred to no one that the scorpion would need to be shut away some place so it didn't escape. They would be very lucky if it was still there by the time one of the men went back up for it.

"Shite!" Murdoch groaned as he slapped his forehead. "So that thing is still on the loose under Lights' hat?"

"If it's still there," Lowe told him quietly. "I'll go," He added before anyone could order him to go.

"Take Jim with you," Boxhall instructed.

Moody shook his head and sighed, "I just wanted to sleep …"

"The sooner that thing is overboard the sooner you get to sleep," Murdoch reminded him. "Now come on, we'll get this thing onto the deck and you get the scorpion."

Lowe tugged at his colleague's shoulders. "Come on, we'd better hurry."

The two of them walked back quickly, hoping that they wouldn't attract attention. They could hear yelling coming from the bridge so they ran up the last set of steps. What they found was Lightoller backed up against the wall while clutching the ship's log.

"Lights!" Moody exclaimed.

Flattening himself against the wall, the senior officer barked, "Back! Back … Back!"

Lowe looked to see the scorpion several feet in front of them with its tail poised in a defensive stance. "Don't anger it," He warned as he looked over to Hichens at the helm. "Are you alright over there Mister Hichens?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Is that the ship's log?" Moody asked quietly. "I don't think the Captain would appreciate the remnants of a scorpion squashed into the cover."

"Have you got a better idea?!" Lightoller retorted as he sidled along the wall with his eyes watching the creature intently.

"Yes!" Came the voice of Thomas Andrews as he swooped in with a large sack and flung it over the scorpion. With careful skill, he scooped it up into the sack and held it closed with his fist. "There!"

"Well done Mister Andrews," Lowe praised as he went to reach for the sack.

"What do you want the scorpion for?" Andrews challenged as he swung the sack out of reach.

"To dispose of it."

He nodded and handed it over, "Fair enough, better you than me. Be careful Mister Lowe." Before he left, he turned to Lightoller and remarked, "I'm not sure that the ship's log is supposed to be used as a weapon Mister Lightoller."

"No sir," He responded.

"Come on, let's go," Moody urged as he kept a safe distance from Lowe and the scorpion.

Lightoller raised an eyebrow and asked, "Go where?"

"We're going to launch it into the sea using a catapult from the forward well deck," Lowe answered matter-of-factly. "You could probably see it from here."

After a few moments of thought, he responded with a nod. "Good, send it back to hell where it belongs."

"That's the plan!"

By the time he and Moody got back down, the two officers were pulling the catapult out from the cargo hold with Moyes pushing at the back. |t didn't take them too long to get the contraption into position and ready for loading.

"Right, let's do this," Moyes said eagerly as he rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

Harry held up the sack containing the catapult's load and shook it about, "One scorpion, destined to sleep with the fishes. Into the briny deep, ye shall –"

"Bloody hell, cut it out Harry! You're not a Greek poet," Murdoch groaned as he grabbed the sack from him. He peered inside it and shuddered, "Right, let's hurry up."

"Tip it into it then!" Boxhall exclaimed in excitement.

Moody stood back at a safe distance as he watched his superior drop the scorpion into the catapult which prompted Moyes to taunt, "Scared Mister Moody? Personally I'd be more frightened of whatever's lurking in the sea beneath us. But that's just me."

"Just get that thing to fuck!"

Boxhall looked taken aback by the younger officer's language before pulling the lever and watching as the scorpion was hurled overboard. "So long!"

"Excellent!" Murdoch grinned as he slapped a hand on the catapult before watching it quiver and fall apart on the deck. He took one look at the mess and scarpered.

Lowe scratched the back of his head and mumbled, "I'll have a steward clean that up … Come on lads."

Moyes was left with the rubble of his creation as the officers made a quick exit, having seen to it that the scorpion wouldn't be reappearing for the rest of the journey. Looking around, he could have sworn that an officer at the bridge was cackling his head off at his predicament …


End file.
